Nothing worth having in life is easy, and that’s been proven today. A setback on my own road to Damascus, which doesn’t please me to say, and in truth, neither did it please me to do. It wasn’t without the assistance of pixels, but I can’t even remember exactly what I watched that ‘inspired’ me to have a small failure of will. Maybe that’s a good thing? At least that won’t be stuck in my mind, or likely to pop up when I’m actually engaged in the desired aim of sex with an actual person, which is a small comfort.
Another positive was that it wasn’t on a site where there was any sort of engagement or interaction. As I’m in a confessional mood, I’ll be honest and say that I revisited ‘my site’ but found it unappealing, so much so that I actually posted a warning to some of the users as to what harm they may be doing to themselves and cleared off quickly, hastily deleting the account which I had equally as hastily created. I’ve done that before, but hadn’t reckoned on the blog post I left behind being deleted when I deleted my account. My attempts to leave behind a sort of reverse Inukchuk, a warning to travellers on that particular road, were spoiled by technology.
Another positive out of the negative was a physical one. My current medication seems to be having the desired impact, which is to reduce my libido. You might wonder why that’s desirable, given that it’s noted as a side effect in the medication properties, but for me it’s a very well-timed plus. My compulsive behaviour isn’t the reason for being on antidepressants, but at a point where I’m trying to control my compulsion, having medication dull the desires is something I welcome.
A blog post about a failure isn’t ideal, but it’s truthful. If nothing else, it may serve to remind me and to make others aware that being successful in this endeavour isn’t straightforward, and won’t go smoothly. When you’ve been self-medicating for your anxiety for so many years, using whatever comes readily to hand, maybe it would be unrealistic to expect anything else. I do wish now that I’d remembered why I wanted to give this behaviour back to my parents, particularly my father. I don’t wish him any harm, but I just wished I was able to tell him how much I wished he’d been able to maintain a sexual relationship with my mother, or had enough of one to mean that borrowing copied VHS cassettes from a work friend hadn’t been necessary. Whatever the story, I understand that I can’t change what he did, and I can’t change what I did up to this point, but I can change what happens in the future.
Dick Palmer's Porn Site 